How does this work again??

Hello friends (yes, you two)... where did we leave off. I've been meaning to sit down and find some time to do a little writing but I've found it difficult to make time. Isn't that absurd? This post probably won't take but ten minutes from my "jam-packed" schedule, yet I couldn't find that time for the past X months.

There's never enough time =>



Some combination of fatigue, laziness, avoidance, and the like kept me away... but I think I'm past that now. That avoidance is probably the most interesting reason I kept away, huh? I agree. Let's explore that a little. Some may know this but I used to be pretty shy. Like nearly clinically shy. I wasn't a mute or anything like that nor would I hide in the shadows... more like very reserved and observational. Not in like a creepy way though, haha. I was blessed to have a great family but one thing I'd change is our internal communication. We didn't eat together and my father ruled the house with something akin to an iron fist... so everyone dealt with that in their own way. My brother, the eldest, rebelled by drinking, smoking, etc at a pretty young age. My sister was a social butterfly and she'd always bounce around from one friend's house to the next. Being the youngest I'd usually have to stay home and so I dealt with things how my mom would, which would be to stay quiet and to not make a scene. And I think that's stayed with me.

And to be honest, I think it's one of the things about me that I like most. I'll make an effort every now and then to vent and talk about the job or a girl or whatever... but when I'm trying to figure things out I usually roll up the sleeves, put my head down, and either push through it or figure it out on my own. (paul simon just came on... eh... ) So the last x months I haven't really wanted to document what's going on in my mind because I think it's been all over the place. And I don't think I really want to reflect on this particular period of my life. Not because I'm not having fun... I'll always manage to do that, but I'm at an impasse of sorts and I'm not exactly sure where I'm going from here. That lack of clear direction is unnerving.

And full circle we come. This is a blog. It's informal. And designed to be me being self-involved and petulant... so why not? This unrest might actually be interesting a couple of years down the road. Plus, the blog allows me a musical and sometimes humorous distraction from some things that I try to wish away.


Well, now you might be a little worried about JUST how much I hate my job. hahaha... not much at all.
I think there is a bigger issue at play that I'm not willing to address. I have a very usual relationship with my father and like my sister and brother, I revolted, just a little later than they did. After following his path for years... one day I just rejected it. And stepped off into another direction and that changed everything. I made a line in the sand and I forced him to accept it. And now he's aging. And out of the country and distant, but not due to his proximity. And I know that part of the reason I accepted this job and profession was to please him... make amends, because he is older.



But then again there is a reason why I'm not letting myself embrace where I am and what I do.
I genuinely do not want the life that he had. Even though he does have a badass son... what has two thumbs and rocks?








And I'm easing myself into the idea that the perfect solution probably doesn't exist right now... but if you apply yourself... and focus... and enjoy the unrelenting splendor of friends and family... that wherever you end up won't be so bad and you can always make another decision then.

And the mistakes... hey, I'm not so uptight that I can't laugh at myself. And I'll let you guys laugh at me to by cataloging conquests and failures here. I think I've missed rambling here and it's good to be back.

For Us - The defense of a brat

Some things you just need to experience for yourself. You reach for the tea kettle and you’ve been told that it’s hot. You can see the thermal waves emanating off of the metal coils and a wave of heat envelopes your hand before you touch it. But you still don’t know JUST how hot it is. So you touch. You burn. You learn.

We all remember something like this. When we were young and more adventurous. When we did something just to do it, or out of boredom, or maybe peer pressure. But a motive underneath it all is curiosity. Will I burn as badly as others that have touched it? Will I be able to withstand it better?

And once you’re done with the experience you’re left with a welt and a better understanding of boundaries. Of what your body can and can’t do.

And these boundaries and rules… as much as these words engender thoughts of restriction, it’s these very things that provide structure and reason for some of us.

And, per usual, I’ll bring this to relationships. Do you remember the last time you were with someone and you had the thought “why am I being such a brat right now?” Sometimes it’s just a mood but perhaps it’s a desire to understand the boundaries of your relationship. When dating there are no certainties. No oath was made. No white dress and rice strewn about. Rather it’s a leap of faith. Actually, a leap of faith is perhaps easier – jumping off a cliff into the water below is significantly easier once your foot leaves the rock. In relationships it can be easy to give something a chance but once in mid-air doubt and skepticism can whittle their way in. 

When you make a commitment you sign off on a certain amount of risk. I’m going to pledge some amount of dedication to you and you’ll do the same to me. That neither party will head for the hills at the first sign of danger. But… what about the second? Third? And suddenly the once equitable relationship turns into a measurement of affection: are we both committed to the same degree? And when you want to see if someone thinks a certain way there is a thing that is often performed: a test.

And suddenly you find yourself being silent one day. Or you have the TV on ESPN all day even if you are dang tired of the same highlights over and over. And you start to gauge how much leeway you have. What can I get away with? How much crap can I throw out there before it starts getting thrown back at me.

Because you’re not looking for a permanent pass to be a punk… cuz that would mean you’d have to be ever-willing to do the same for them. And who wants to sign up for that? Instead someone wants the other person to rip up the test. Break it with humor or calling the person out for their BS.

And a line is drawn. And a foundation can be laid. And instead of a crumbling sand castle an actual structure of expectations and consideration is slowly built. So the next time you feel yourself clamming up and you’re looking for the other person to have the right answers, maybe you realize that you’re looking for more collaboration and communication between you and someone else. Or pull out that scantron and drill that sucker with a pop-quiz with the reassurance that you’re doing it “for us.”

When it's right, when I find her (I will), I hope to not worry about testing her. And if I can't help it, that I at least do so on a curve. :)

A few things I won't need to try to remember

This has been a very interesting year.

It's been unsettling. And at times rapturous. It's been time with close friends. It's been frantically dealing with bills and difficult decisions.

But one of the things that I'll take away from this year is the growth I've seen from so many people around me. People of different ages, different walks of life... so many people have seemed to "get it" this year.

Whether is be walking away from a bad situation.
Or getting yourself into a good situation.
Or hanging in there when the worst fears are realized.
Or letting yourself try something new.
Or not being unnerved by massive change.

I won't get too existential right now, but my theory on the meaning of life has to do with differences and challenges. That something placed the ingredients that ultimately produced us, insects, micro-organisms, meteors in the same universe and we're all supposed to mix somehow. That coexistence would be realized and balance formed. And the relationships we have with one another are an example of this effort to relate with others that have a different view and outlook than our own.

I'll look back at 2010 as a year where many relationships were established and some very rewarding bonds were cultivated further.

But how about some of the more tangible, memorable things of 2010?


Top 5 Movies

... Okay, not a great year for movies. These two get an honorable mention...

Comedy: She's out of my league
Horror: Paranormal Activity 2

But these are the only two that deserve to be ranked:
2. (500) Days of Summer* (not 2010, I know. But was viewed then)
1. Inception (best movie I've seen in more than a decade)


Books:
5. The Hunger Games (I did like it!)
4. The Road - I'm surprised by it's acclaim. The tone and mood is consistent throughout. So are the characters. Usually books/movies without character development don't fare too well, but this bucks the trend a little. I'm glad to have read it but I don't know it's something that I'll revisit again.
3. Number 9 Dream
2. Dance, Dance, Dance
1. Heaven's Net is Wide - I don't know if I have a writing style when I actually write a story, but if I do it's most akin to Hearn. While I loathe my writing often times I can't get enough of Hearn. Heaven's Net is Wide is a prequel to the Tales of the Otori books. I'm only about 100 pages in but it's already wonderful and I'll finish it before next week. It's a hybrid between young adult, japanese historical fiction, fantasy, and with a little romance. This is my favorite series.

Cloud Atlas has a good shot to dominate this list, but we'll see if I get through that before the year ends. I need to find it first...!

And in the coming days I'll pull together the 2010 mix cd with tracks that I discovered or that were shown to me in 2010.


I'm looking forward to sitting by a fire with some hot cocoa with a touch of Baileys... ahh... I adore this time of year.

Did you know...

That Better Homes and Gardens is the 3rd most distributed magazine in the United States?
(congrats Cole!

=)

Did you know that I'm extremely bored at work today?

What in us helps us procrastinate? Laziness and fear come to mind.

I'll discuss two examples from today.

8am meeting. Why? Why do you exist? Who likes you? The organizer likely dislikes you the least, therefore is okay with setting such an obscene time. Because 8am doesn't mean get up at 8. And it doesn't mean go to sleep at the normal time, as I set my redundant upon redundant alarms. And it doesn't mean restful sleep until 7am, it's panicked waking and grabbing my phone to check the time.

So 6:55am - alarm one (okay, I set you as a primer to the 7am wake up. Let me enjoy the last 5 minutes of warmth)

stare at my phone with dead eyes until 6:58. (i'm sure i can milk this lying in bed thing to at least 7:05)

7:00am - alarm two and three (yep, I can DEFINITELY milk this to 7:05. Nod off and start dreaming about pouring milk on people's heads at the bus stop. I laugh. I start to feel cold and envision myself warming milk in the microwave and pouring some on people while keeping some in my cup to warm my hands)

7:14am - No alarm. (CRAP. I need a new alarm. I don't need an alarm that actually trusts me when I say "I'm up." I need the Lifetime-movie-of-the-week-husband alarm clock that swears I'm unfaithful. I would love an alarm that would give me the traffic and weather. That'd be nice. And if it played mp3s. I bet I know what I'd put on there... I'd start with some Bon Iv...

7:22am - .... (WTF!! I fell asleep again?!?!?!?!)
Get up and shower. Drew a hot shower today. Felt real good. I just stood there and visualized my path into work. What roads to avoid. Mentally shaving off key seconds on the commute. I thanked the Gods that I had put fuel into the car yesterday. But I do need to schedule an oil change. It'd be really nice if...

7:35am - (DAYDREAMING?!?! About tasks???) Running out the door and driving like a mad banshee down Glendale Ave (and we've hit cram time. the panic gets my blood going and I'm focused and alert. I know that any slacking or dragging on the drive will make me late. In the back of my mind an idea crystallizes... why do I do this to myself?)


And here I am. Example two. Busy at work. Chatting away in the blog. Delaying my work flurry until the end of the day. Why? I think it's because I need that fear and excitement to really apply myself. It'd be too exhausting to sprint all the time, so a little jaunt until the last 100 meters and then a mad/freakish dash to the finish.

I used to turn my clocks forward blindly so I wouldn't know how off they were. But of course the mind is a lazy jerk and it was only a matter of time before it deciphered that the alarm clock was ahead by X, the microwave clock was ahead by Y, and the car clock was off by Z.

So my never-ending path to maturity has revealed the next step, a mastery of the timing of my own effort. I'll let you know how it goes... ... sometime.

The need to not need

I hate needing anything. Other than the basic necessities (food, water, oxygen, oxygen network) I don't really enjoy having something that governs me. What am I talking about?


Talking about that. Coffee.

While I don't like things that can become a dependency, I do have a particular contempt for coffee. Here are a few reasons:

1. I've seen countless studies that speak to the health benefits of coffee. Someone point me to where it says it's good for your teeth??

[irony - coming from the guy with a history of broken teeth. Cest 'la vie]

2. Other people's addictions. Having a Starbucks or whatever every 100 yards means that entering Target or the mall has someone in my ear talking about how they NEED their coffee to continue to accomplish their consumerish goals.

3. Coffee breath.













4. "Let's grab a cup of coffee" used to be a cute line, for love interests or friends looking to catch up. Now it's like two crack fiends looking to get their fix by sharing needles.

5. Peeing. I enjoy pissing as much as the next person, but every hour or so is annoying. It's annoying for me when I have to and it's annoying for me when other people constantly have to get up and sit down throughout the day. There was actually a queue at the urinal at work. The urinal at the ballgame, fine. You can chat about the dropped pass or something till it's time to do your thing. You'll never see them again. Or at a club you can talk about the girl with the 19-inch heels outside of the bathroom. All in good fun. But I'm not going to talk about work or something with Todd from accounting.

"Do you have your TPS reports for me?"
"Was I supposed to turn one in? I don't remember an email."
"Well, I mentioned it the other day."
"Really? When?"
"We were in the bathroom."
"..."
"Together."
"... (awkward)... I had a lot of coffee that day. I'm trying to remember what instance..."
"I think you were humming Boombastic by Shaggy."
"That's riiiight."



So I give up.

I have another dense technical schematic plan to read and it's either reach for a noose or Folgers choice. Congratulations universe. Being an engineer AND caving to coffee. Time to wave it =>





I'll stop here because I need to go pee again. Seriously.

Archive Song List #22

The Helio Sequence
Lately

Nashville Skyline
Carry you home

The Cure
Edge of the deep green sea

It's here

Isn't it great to be stimulated? To feel invigorated. Your eyes are a little wider and you feel totally aware of your surroundings.

A multitude of things can engender this feeling - a beer, a kiss, a cup of coffee (I prefer green tea), a cool breeze, an unexpected surprise...

Changes... they normally don't have this same effect. Typically I'll be nervous, methodical, uneasy.

But, as with seemingly so many things, there is a choice regarding how you handle the things that are happening in your life. You can fret over the lack of control that you have. The intimidation of trying something new... or you can embrace the ambiguity of it all and know that no matter how you mess it up, you'll have a chance to fix things or move on at a later date.


I've been drowning trying to figure out which amount of cubic feet within a fridge best represents me as an individual.

Oh how my college self would hate me now.


I've decided that today and tomorrow and...

is about acceptance. About energy. And optimism.


As I move into my new house, as I start my new career, as I figure out a new relationship, it's time to accept that some things in life are simply an adventure. That you can't plan for everything... and sometimes the plans you do make will completely fall apart. That the reckless part of your youth, when you pushed to button just to see what happens... that sometimes isn't the worse course of action. It's better than being paralyzed by analysis and doing nothing.



And if it's a mess...

a disaster...

and leads to utter mayhem...


you can clean it up later.