Self-involved, but with a great taste in music

Monday, April 4, 2011

How does this work again??

Hello friends (yes, you two)... where did we leave off. I've been meaning to sit down and find some time to do a little writing but I've found it difficult to make time. Isn't that absurd? This post probably won't take but ten minutes from my "jam-packed" schedule, yet I couldn't find that time for the past X months.

There's never enough time =>

Some combination of fatigue, laziness, avoidance, and the like kept me away... but I think I'm past that now. That avoidance is probably the most interesting reason I kept away, huh? I agree. Let's explore that a little. Some may know this but I used to be pretty shy. Like nearly clinically shy. I wasn't a mute or anything like that nor would I hide in the shadows... more like very reserved and observational. Not in like a creepy way though, haha. I was blessed to have a great family but one thing I'd change is our internal communication. We didn't eat together and my father ruled the house with something akin to an iron fist... so everyone dealt with that in their own way. My brother, the eldest, rebelled by drinking, smoking, etc at a pretty young age. My sister was a social butterfly and she'd always bounce around from one friend's house to the next. Being the youngest I'd usually have to stay home and so I dealt with things how my mom would, which would be to stay quiet and to not make a scene. And I think that's stayed with me.

And to be honest, I think it's one of the things about me that I like most. I'll make an effort every now and then to vent and talk about the job or a girl or whatever... but when I'm trying to figure things out I usually roll up the sleeves, put my head down, and either push through it or figure it out on my own. (paul simon just came on... eh... ) So the last x months I haven't really wanted to document what's going on in my mind because I think it's been all over the place. And I don't think I really want to reflect on this particular period of my life. Not because I'm not having fun... I'll always manage to do that, but I'm at an impasse of sorts and I'm not exactly sure where I'm going from here. That lack of clear direction is unnerving.

And full circle we come. This is a blog. It's informal. And designed to be me being self-involved and petulant... so why not? This unrest might actually be interesting a couple of years down the road. Plus, the blog allows me a musical and sometimes humorous distraction from some things that I try to wish away.

Well, now you might be a little worried about JUST how much I hate my job. hahaha... not much at all.
I think there is a bigger issue at play that I'm not willing to address. I have a very usual relationship with my father and like my sister and brother, I revolted, just a little later than they did. After following his path for years... one day I just rejected it. And stepped off into another direction and that changed everything. I made a line in the sand and I forced him to accept it. And now he's aging. And out of the country and distant, but not due to his proximity. And I know that part of the reason I accepted this job and profession was to please him... make amends, because he is older.

But then again there is a reason why I'm not letting myself embrace where I am and what I do.
I genuinely do not want the life that he had. Even though he does have a badass son... what has two thumbs and rocks?

And I'm easing myself into the idea that the perfect solution probably doesn't exist right now... but if you apply yourself... and focus... and enjoy the unrelenting splendor of friends and family... that wherever you end up won't be so bad and you can always make another decision then.

And the mistakes... hey, I'm not so uptight that I can't laugh at myself. And I'll let you guys laugh at me to by cataloging conquests and failures here. I think I've missed rambling here and it's good to be back.