Thursday, May 27, 2010
Season 2 Progress:
My current enjoyment level with the show:
Who I currently would like to die:
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Evidence that "Nick" is a useless name:
The only Nick that survives this classification is Nick Drake, the singer. Who, unfortunately, isn't alive anymore... so no one escapes this.
(someone theorhettically could counter with "I don't know any Shibu's that are worth a damn," ... but... well... that would just be a dick move) ;)
What is it? Surely we can all think of times where we felt happy. Things that happened to us that brought on a sense of elation. Like when the Lakers close out the Suns in the near future, I'll surely be happy then. But I enjoy that feeling that can last for a few days, when nothing can really touch you. Things just happen naturally.
The high isn't quite as epic as the game winning shot going down, but it's a warmth or glow that lingers with you.
Ignorance is bliss
This phrase was penned by Thomas Gray in Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College
No more; where ignorance is bliss, 'Tis folly to be wise.
A study determined that those that watched the local news regularly were twice as likely to be depressed as those that did not... we can all pretty much relate. I can think of many times when I asked a girl what was wrong and when I (finally) heard what the problem was, that new information often didn't lead to anything awesome.
There are plenty of reasons to be happy and plenty of reasons that can bring you down:
Pro -------------- Con
Alive ------------- Work too much
Healthy ---------- Stress
Great friends ----- Not enough time
So, if you took a pragmatic approach, you could do a valuation and stack things up against one another and see if things measure up for you to feel happy. But it's not a one to one ratio. We always take the things that we have for granted. It's never intentional, but it's impossible to fully appreciate things that become a normal component in your life. Today any one of my tires could have blown out, but none did. I didn't thank them for their job today or think about them at all... but when they fail me I will be thinking of them plenty.
I think we're trained to obsess over the cons and we naturally give them more weight.
Groomed to be problem solvers, we are.
Diagnose what is wrong and fix it. Yet some things can't easily be fixed but we notice the faults just the same. And that item can remain on the lists for years.
And I think that's where education can fail us. Trying to find the reason why.
"Why do I feel happy right now? Do I deserve to feel this way right now?"
Some things just are. And some things are just a choice. One may have every reason to be sad, their balance sheet of events suggest that they should be miserable, is it not okay for them to simply choose to be happy?
And now to simplify....
Maybe instead of just an emotion, perhaps happiness is a state of mind, like "determined" or "focused." A decision that we can make at any point, it's just that sometimes it's easier to make it happen than at other times.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I ran into Safeway at 11:52 and ran out with 3 boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The lady at the register smiled and commented how sweet it was that I rushed for my kid's cereal. She asked how old. I said 29. She was confused. I have a box right next to me at work and it's delightful.
My favorite kid cereals:
This is just about as nutrious as we're going to get here.
I don't remember this having too long of a shelf life. ... or my mother just hid these boxes from me in the aisle.
Was never as good as I wanted it to be, but still money. I actually eat the yogurt still.
Oh. My. God.
I LOVED this. I was a total cereal toy whore, had all these characters...
(that's a bottle of Jameson he's holding...)
Apple Cinnamon Cheerios
My sister's favorite, so we had this in stock quite a bit.
Captain Crunch: Peanut Butter
One of the rare foods that tastes better with each bite. Cheese Nips are like this as well...
Captain Crunch: Crunch Berries
I'd save all the berries till the very end and then devour them in the sugary milk.
Tough call between this and Berries, but this wins on the longevity front. This was still in the rotation through college.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Fruity Pebbles - You lie. You were supposed to be delicious. You were terrible.
Frankenberry - The one that got away
I never got to taste you,
but in my mind you are
And to answer your question, no, I somehow do not have diabetes.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Foo Fighters - Everlong (acoustic)
Special song from long, long ago.
Owen - Bad News
Humorous song about someone far more jaded than he probably should be. Always entertaining.
Swell Season - In these arms
To balance out Owen we have a sweet little number with a bit of a haunting lullaby flair to it.
Friday, May 21, 2010
The unwritten rules of dating
Many are fairly universal. If a girl brings up her dad at... inopportune times... that's an entry that (I'd like to think all of us can agree) we toss on the Con list.
(unless it's Alan Thicke, because he's one of the baddest mamba-jahambas on the planet)
Throughout the life of this blog we'll explore some of mine:
Unwritten Rule # ___ (not written, no numbers): Just Say No to Cougars
I took the liberty of using a picture for an instructional diagram, adding some additional red, purple, and pink notes to the following:
Here's the thing about cougars... there's not a set baseline for determining the difference between a woman and a cougar, BUT we know there is certainly a difference. Not all of them are sitting with their cougar friend blowing chain-smoking smoke into each others overly fake tanned leather faces.
Therefore it can be hard to follow this unwritten rule because sometimes you just WANT to believe those hungry eyes when they say, "I'm in no rush."
Here are some actual quotes that are on the danger list...
During a preliminary conversation:
- "have you ever thought about what names you'd like to name your kids?" Run.
- "a lot of other girls my age are looking to settle down, but I'm not like that." Run.
- "my second husband..." Run HARD.
Not many quotes or "words to live by" have had a profound impact on my life, but this is an exception.
This article made me smile (what's there NOT to love about ninjas?):
Three muggers in Australia got the fright of their lives when their attack was interrupted by five black-clad ninja warriors.
The thieves were assaulting a German medical exchange student in Sydney, but the alleyway where they struck was next to a school for ninja warriors.
Today is one of those days. You know what I'm talking about. Running late in the morning. D-bags on the road. Late to the office. A few minor disasters at work. It's one of those days that I shouldn't contact one of those people that I have a combustible dynamic with because it's sure to end in utter disaster.
However, I'm the type that likes to tempt fate. When I feel deja vu I'm a bit more likely to do the opposite as I am to let things play out how I remember... I like to be in control and change the way things are going.
So I think I can make a decision to change the momentum of the day, which means I can definitely think of a few calls I can make today to people of which I have a flammable relationship with and see if today truly is a day where everything that can go wrong will go wrong.
I'll follow-up with this tomorrow after I realize that this was an utterly awful idea and how I'm a very, very stupid man.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
SURPRISE -- Police officers are searching for two (wait... how the F are there TWO?! Some guy actually knew of another guy that would roll with him on this???) suspects who reportedly pulled a girl into a van in Surprise Wednesday afternoon.
According to Surprise police Sgt. Mark Ortega, a 12-year-old girl reported that she and a friend were approached by two men in a blue van (van dealerships need to do way more diligent background checks) near Greenway Road and 165th Lane shortly before 5 p.m. Wednesday.
The suspects stopped the van and opened the side door. Ortega said that one of the suspects told the 12-year-old girl that he knew her friends. As she approached the side door, he reportedly grabbed her and pulled her into the van.
(I hate people)
The victim reported that when she called a friend on her cell phone, the suspects immediately released her a few blocks away. (Thank you, Sprint!)
Ortega said the girl was not injured and did not require medical attention.
"We are very fortunate that she was released unharmed," Ortega said. "We urge parents to speak to their children and stress the importance of not talking to strangers."
The suspects are described as males, 17 to 18 years old with dirty blond hair.
(I picked this story because it has a happy ending. All too many of these stories don't. The point of me calling this out is...is this shit happening more or has the distribution of media made these stories [that terrifying parents and UNCLES everywhere] more readily available?? Probably quite a bit of both. There are only a few triggers that I have. I'm a pretty understanding man and I do my best to practice infinite patience, but I have no sympathy and particular hatred like these special breeds of f***s.)
Are things getting worse?
Is it a typical generational thing in that we, as current or future parents, will be forced to concern ourselves with (seemingly) greater risks than when we were young? Or are things moving at an accelerated pace?
The silver lining, which always exists -- even if you can't see it right away-- is that more and more decent people are rising up to balance the insanity. We hear about humanitarian organizations and charitable causes and with each ascent technology makes, the easier it is for people to make a difference.
For as disappointed I am in so many of these sloths I hear about I'm immensely encouraged by so many people I know and their efforts to quell the tide of insanity.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The human mind perpetually fascinates me. Two people looking at a picture at the same exact time and drawing completely opposite interpretations.
How our experiences, environment, education, disposition, lunch choice, song we woke up to ... how all these things color everything we engage.
As you might have surmised from the title of this post, I'm feeling rather motivated today. I didn't wake up in the morning and something sorta clicked, rather it's been like like a rising tide that has gradually eroded some of the inefficiencies I've let sneak into my schedules. And finally we're at a tidal wave today where regardless of what happens, I know it'll be productive.
But what caused this oceanic rise?
I'm going to try to figure this out right now:
1. Josh, I hate you.
The Road was a fantastic book. Certainly haunting and something that stays with you. I wouldn't say I was depressed by it, but certainly my idle thoughts have idled a bit longer on the sorrowful nature of the tale and the massive story elements that will never be revealed.
This for you, my evil and sadistic Mets fan: you'll never experience this happiness and joy with your team.
[Apparently I haven't aggravated myself enough, as I've started season one of Lost, about five episodes in. We (yes, I'll be using the collective 'we' when talking about Lost) have just learned that man in the suit that Jack is seeing on the island is Jack's father. Cole will be amused by my confusion as the series continues.]
The Road put me in a bit of a daze, but I've moved onto Fight Club which will certainly be quite a change.
2. I'm not all that crazy about you either, Mr. Motorcycle Cop
I may have mentioned before that I like to drive quickly. The sensation of speed is fine, but I'm utterly annoyed by other drivers and I like getting myself to empty pockets where no one can irritate me.
Which brings us to my commute into work yesterday. I HATE it when people match speeds. You know, two or more cars driving the same speed in different lanes so no one behind them can pass. I'm pretty sure the caps and bold right there are sufficient enough to convey my feelings about it, but I'm compelled to elaborate. I could be in my brand new Aston Martin with a hot little number riding shotgun next to me holding two strawberry milkshakes, cruising through the cliffs of la jolla, ca 45 minutes before sunset and if I ran into some folks driving the same speed across all the lanes my day would be DESTROYED. Slightly exaggerating, but only slightly.
If that's the case in la jolla, why don't we sub in the following variables? 8:35AM, Scottsdale Rd, (alright, I like my car just fine), riding solo, empty bottle of water holds up? Not well, my friend. Not well.
All three lanes are moving just over 40mph and the speed limit is 45. For the first mile I'm trying less aggressive measures to get someone to move over. Closing the gap a bit, aiming a laser sighted rocket launcher at them; you know, just trying to not be a dick about it. 3rd mile and Bu is getting impatient.
Mercifully the guy in the right lane turns right. I jump in the lane and accelerate pretty hard. I touch 70 for only an instant before I catch the cop on a bike with his radar gun right on me.
In the rear view I see him put the gun away and pull up to the intersection. Then it happens.
It all comes full circle.
The wave of speed matchers was completed and some dude took the spot of the other guy that moved. This created a block of traffic behind them. The cop could have made a split second decision to pull out and nab me, but such a choice wasn't made and he watched anxiously as cars streamed by him.
I took this opportunity to hang a right and explore the long route to work. I thought about the break I just received. About how I was going to be late for a meeting, but the detour was worth it. About how the tags on my license were expired and I really needed to contact my leasing company to get them to resend my new stickers.
3. Happy Trails, friend!
One of my closest friends will be taking a 3-month trip around the world. New York, DC, Malaysia, New Zealand, and India are all confirmed. The trip isn't all pleasure as there will be quite a bit of soul-searching and growth to be done. He's in for a massive change of scenery, but to be self-focused here (my freaking blog) the landscape of Phoenix will change a bit as well. The absence of a good friend to put a few beers back with does open avenues for other endeavors.
When he returns as a (hopefully) better and more well-rounded man, maybe he'll find the same happened to some of us here.
And I'm sure a thousand of other factors, but it's a nice feeling to know that what I do today will make me better, stronger, smarter for what waits tomorrow. It's also a nice feeling that my baseball team won the World Series recently. Suck it, JC.
Owen - Bad News
whatever it is you think you are
a good friend, unique, well-read
good-looking, or smart
well now you know
well I hate to be the one to bear such bad news
I know it hurts to hear
but it's true
you don't mean anything
to anyone but me
and even I think
that you're blinded by conceit
so now you know
and basement shows
don't mean you've made it
it's what you do
not who you were, what you wear, where you've been
so do something
whoever you think is watching you dance
from across the room
if anything, they feel sorry for you
'cause you try so hard
I know it hurts to hear
but it's the truth
so you might as well hear it
from a friend
you're a has-been
that never was
I know it's mean to say
but it's something I've been meaning to say to you
for a while
you're a has-been
that never was
or will be
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
She liked that the Wii matched her new outfit.
If anyone in my family didn't have Colbie Caillat - Bubbly
memorized by last Friday, they do now.
And a bonus...
I rocked everyone in Wii bowling.
Amit and Kristin are all too familiar with this.
The first time I can get her reading one of those books on her own I'm DEFINITELY posting that pic. Thanks again Amy for the recommendations!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Wii, I'd like to formally apologize to you. I know I've been hard on you in the past. (let's skip that I gave you away as a gift to an Ex and, well, they are an Ex so you represent a waste of time, energy, and money) I felt that you weren't really a gamer device and you were only useful for family gatherings and kiddy games.
Of course I was right, but I entirely underestimated how much more awesome family gathers are with kiddy games.
Thank you all for your input and comments regarding (one of) my niece's birthday. I totally appreciate it.
While I was writing for help here, my brother was writing for help on Facebook. We coordinated and we came away with a pretty good haul for the little one.
What she got:
as pictured above, black is pretty sleek with Wii Sports Resort
Sing It - Disney Karaoke
(yes, I know who all those people are in the picture below. yes, I am comfortable with that)
Punch-Out (the new and completely unnecessary version)
I think my brother got this for himself, punk
Boxcar Children #1
I could only find the first book sooo...
Ramona the Pest
was added as well as...
The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane
Good God. How terrifying is that picture?? That is WAY more creepy than the book cover.
Didn't fit into my car, so I'm trying to figure out when to give it to her.
How she reacted:
I love my brother. I do. But he does things that irritate me occassionally. After work I went by his house to see my niece and she opens the door and jumps on me with, "I got a Wii!!" So I'm happy to see that she's happy, but there is no eviscerated wrapping paper strewn about the floor. Even a dessert, when given to anyone under ten, should be wrapped so they can rip it apart.
Worse yet, he bought the Wii with her at Best Buy. Cause it's always great to be asked if you'd like to buy the extended warranty when you get a sweet birthday present.
While configuring the system the rest of the family came by and a little while after that she came over and sat on my lap.
So... what'd ya get me?
(I was then reminded that auditory pain of a 7-year old girl's shrill yell far outweighs the benefit of any joke... but I couldn't resist.)
(Her mouth fell open.)
[very softly] Yes.
(It was so sad. I wanted to hurl all the gifts I had and toys from the neighbor's yard at her.)
Actually, I need to get going.
(I'm deaf by this point, so may as well go for broke.)
Yeah, but I can't seem to make it to the door with all this extra weight in my bag.
Zero seconds flat she rips my bag off my shoulder and starts ripping out the contents. She pulls out one of the books (ahem, wrapped), bends it, and throws it over head with a, "BOOK!" She finds another one. "BOOK!" Tossed. She takes out the Karaoke package and exclaims, "BIG BOOK!" and I reach behind her to catch it as she lobs it away.
Sedated and mildly disappointed by a perceived flurry of books (I can't blame her, I was the same way: Less clothes, more Ninja Turtles, please.) She unwrapped the books and eventually got to the Karaoke game. She tore it up and saw one of the Jonas brothers (I think I know which one, but I lied earlier. I'm not okay with knowing these things.) She then sees Taylor Swift. She looks up at me curiously, like, what kind of evil book would have Taylor Swift on the cover.
It's for your Wii.
Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God. [bouncing on the couch] Put it in, put it in, put it in.
Okay, what song.
Taylor Swift (repeats these two words for at least the next five minutes until the song starts.)
I'll throw up some pictures from the night as it was cool seeing my niece and my parents legitimately competing as hard as they could to out-bowl one another. Thanks again people!
Friday, May 14, 2010
I don't really get her:
but I love her dearly.
And it's her birthday today!
So, for the whopping two or so people that read this (but much appreciated you are!), I'm going to throw out some suggestions and leave it to vote. Or if all my ideas blow, well you can tell me that I'm a fool and I'll happily take any other suggestions.
She's a girl so I imagine that she likes things like stickers and glitter and unicorns? whatever... I'm going to basically go to toys r us and shovel a bunch of small things into the cart and then move on to...
Bucket 1: Activity orientated
She's really skinny for her age, but I want to be sure that she stays active. I loathe the idea of kids sitting on their a all day instead of being outdoors and roughhousing a bit.
Option 1: Field Hockey
Now, this may be more about me than her, but this looks like a ton of fun. Running around, developing her motor skills, get her into sports a bit more. Of course the thought of me firing a shot too hard at her or her flailing with the stick and accidentally widening the gap between my expectations of children in the future and a possible reality makes this a curious option.
Option 2: Trampoline
I know for a fact that she wants this. She was supposed to get one for Christmas, but my brother procrastinated a little too long and they were sold out throughout the state. How secure can that net be? The horrors of what could go wrong for her and her friends is strong with this one.
Option 3: Softball equipment
Baseball/softball is a great game. You can always play catch. If she was into it she could conceivably play all through high school....
Then again, I kinda had a thing for a few of the girls on my high school softball team... and I definitely want her to stay away from guys like me... so that might be out.
Bucket 2: Educational - Gotta be done.
(a photo for my lady friends)
Is the first Twilight book pretty racy?? She loves the first two movies. Eh, even if it's not, I'm not sure I can push her towards the vampire phase she's surely going to hit.
There has to be another book series out there for young girls... ideas?
The Princess Bride is one of my favorite books when I was growing up, and the movie is fantastic.
I've been waiting for her attention span to increase and I think she's at the point where she'll follow a long story. I'm going to give her my copy and I'll go over to see her once a week and read it to her when she goes to sleep. There's only a few more years left that she'll still let me do that, so I should take advantage of it.
Bucket 3: Entertainment
She's my blood so she's really into herself... Absolutely loves to dance and sing, so a Karaoke game for my brother's Xbox?
Or I can coordinate with my brother and get her a Wii plus a Band hero game which would let her and her friends play music together... AND...
a kinda creepy Taylor Swift is in Band Hero (but she's a little interesting looking in real life, isn't she??) which, when she discovers this, will make me the best person in her life for at least a 3 minute span.
(that hand up/out thing is a go-to move for the female singers, huh?)
Any additional ideas? Am I close? Totally off?
Oh, Taylor Lautner, if only your abs could speak and show me the way to this young girl's happiness.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
500 days of Summer - Expectations vs Reality
I was talking with a friend earlier and an old theory of mine came into play. Due to a previous job occupational hazard I was subjected to writing a large quantity of survey questions.
Please indicate your overall level of satisfaction with this textbook by using the rating scale below... and toss out a rating scale.
Like it too often does (and it's always irritating for all parties associated with you) my work bled into my personal life.
Instead of "Hi, Chip! How's it hanging?" or "Hey, Tad! Nice flannel!" I began asking people:
So, on a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you? With 1 being 'why I'm not very happy at all' and 10 being 'I'm on cloud 9.'
While I was initially dismayed how my job contributed to my social retardation, I began to pick up on certain trends I didn't quite know existed. Most people, normal people, seemed to say "Seven" quite a bit. I blame the educational system.
100-90 A - Excellent
89-80 B - Above Average
79-70 C - Average
69-60 D - Below Average
59 or below F - Failing
Using this scale the ratings seemed to go like this:
10 - Stellar! I just graduated or got a new job or just plain got some. You can't say TEN! and have the other person not follow up with a question about why.
8/9 - Still pretty excellent and people will expect a reason why.
6/5 - Eh... seems like you had a meh day.
4/3/2 - Someone kicked your dog?
1 - Either we need to buy you a klondike bar or you need to stop dramatizing crap so much.
Seven seemed to be average to most people. Like when you ask someone, "how are you?" and they say "fine" because that is the canned response to move the salutation along. After I learned this little habit many people seemed to have I made a slight adjustment:
So, on a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you? With 1 being 'why I'm not very happy at all' and 10 being 'I'm on cloud 9.' And SEVEN is not an option.
Go ahead, try it out. Surely some (most) [okay, everyone] will give you a weird look, but it's worth it. An even rating scale is an... odd thing. With a 4-star system someone rating a hotel with 2 or 3 stars is a massive difference. Force people to take a stance and be a little more honest with their emotions, a skill which that c*nt from 500 Days could have used. :P
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Let's try again.
It's been been like taking a face-plant into a blender. But because I probably like who ever you are, I won't get into that. Be around me when I get drunk and ask me how the home hunt is going and that'd go something like this:
But that is for another time. While home shopping I stumbled upon some parallels for finding the right house AND finding the right girl.
Don't fall in love from the curb before you check the closets.
Every home has closets, you just gotta find the one that works with the stuff you have and that doesn't scare the crap out of you.
Is it modern or old fashioned? Sleek or classic?
Allure is one of my favorite words that I don't like to use much. It holds special meaning when trying to describe how something, passively, with absolutely no effort whatsoever, captures and enraptures you. Things that you don't realize that you have an affinity for may linger with you in a way that you didn't expect.
I like the place, but would I rush to bring my friends around? Will my parents like it? Will my friends hate it?
What if they don't see the things I see? Will I rush them inside as soon as I can?? Oh sweet validation. Or maybe they'll see things that I can't see clearly... or maybe they'll notice that every time you bring the house out with you it refuses speak. Will not answer questions or ask any of her own. Even putting in an order at Rock Bottom ended up being a whisper to me that I'd have to relay to the waitress.
Sorry, a little off-track, haha.
Is the foundation stable?
Or at the slightest of breezes am I going to be left propping up the walls??
Is the view from it obstructed?
Or when I'm near it do things come into focus more clearly?
The fixer upper conundrum: The outside is pretty great and... oh. That's it. You know what, with a little paint and guidance I'm sure I can make this work.
Appearances are interesting. You know what you like and what you don't like. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Looks shouldn't be the most important thing, but it's usually the first thing you notice when you pull up to a place. Once you get inside [metaphor breaking down into something unintended, haha] you might find myself appreciating the charm of the whole package.
Does it feel like home?
What's left after that?
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sweet, sweet revenge.
For all the Twilight and cat lovers out there.
(I jest but there are actually probably plenty of those out there)
I'm nearing the tipping point. With each person I meet I meet another person who has read the Twilight series. In a week or two I'll know more people that HAVE read it than that HAVE NOT.
The Smiths - Everyday is like Sunday
Silverchair - Miss you Love
Dredg - Bug Eyes
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Prank Wars Part One
Two guys that work together start pulling pranks on one another. This escalates. To say the least. It starts a little slow, but by the 3rd one it's pretty classic.
Part 3 (it really starts here)
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Our IT guy at work is pretty interesting. That's a nice way to say flipping out of his gourd. He's one of those special individuals that either does or doesn't care to pick up on exit cues from conversations. You know.
Here are some pretty effective ones:
"Well..........." "I just remembered I have to...."
"I'm going to set myself on fire if you don't stop talking right now..."
No deals. All useless and utterly ineffective against him.
While he can rattle on and on I didn't think to stop him during his last rant. One of his closest friends was killed in Afghanistan, not in combat, but in a car accident. Apparently a married couple was arguing and the guy was speeding quite a bit. Collided with his buddy's car and we know the rest. Of course it was his last tour of duty and he had just met the girl he wanted to settle down with before his last deployment. It's weird how life works some times. I almost always try to find the greater meaning or the silver lining in things, but this one I just file away as a horrible event.
At the gym you're going to run into some weird occurrences from time to time. Some people don't smell great. Sometimes a machine will not be wiped down correctly. Sometimes the barbells are in the wrong slots so the weights don't match with the numbers on the rack (hate that). Part of this is the locker room.
You're going to get some splash damage, let's just get that out there. I'm not homophobic, but about nothing ruins my day quite like seeing a naked guy.
I think the foreshadowing is complete.
So I walk into the guy's bathroom and BAM. Right. There. There is a locker area in the back of the restroom WITH ITS OWN DOOR, but it's wide open and the guy is standing there facing me like I'M the one doing some weird ish.
So I casually look to the side and enter the locker room and start changing. My back is towards him but I can kinda tell that he is not moving. He's still facing me and the door area, stark naked I'm assuming. I feel a little weird changing in front of a naked dude behind me, I nearly fall over trying to get out of my jeans super fast, and a few seconds later I'm ready to go. As I'm leaving I hear:
"Do you know how to work these lockers?"
I stop in the doorway, back facing him. I look up to the ceiling.
"No, they are all broken."
"Are you sure? My stuff is in there."
Sigh. Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down. Turn.
"Is all your stuff locked in there?" [if not, put some f'ing clothes on]
"No, my other stuff is down there."
Down wher... oh... F--K me.
You got me again, you clever bastard. Turn to leave.
"No one steals anything here. You're good."
Idiocy (on my part):
I love Fresh and (Sl)Easy. Zip in, zip out and I'm good to go. No lines, no hassle. So I'm picking up a few things after work, nothing too exciting: yogurt, turkey patties, pita bread, wheat bread, hummus and I head to the check out. I'm starving (don't grocery shop when hungry, mistake 1) and I see some cookies. I grab the bag (2) and check out.
There's some traffic on the road and I open the bag of cookies and have one (3) while waiting behind a hummer [love scottsdale]. Soon enough I'm home and I start making dinner. The grill is taking forever and I have another cookie (4). I have a turkey burger and for desert, why not, another cookie (5).
I'm still hungry, so I assume that I'm dehydrated. Plus it's a good idea to drink water to flush out fat from the system. I grab the cookie bag to put it back in the kitchen but I start chugging my water first. I hold the bag up and see this:
Serving size = 1 cookie.
I pause the Laker game and get my swim gear together. Head to the community pool and as I approach I see two people oddly close in the pool.
I'm a romantic. Always have been and as much as I suppress it, it'll always be there to some extent. I don't have a problem with PDA. If some people want to express themselves in public, go for it. Within reason.
So I approach the pool area and I figure I'll just cool out in the hot tub with my back towards them and see if they exit the pool. I rinse up (enjoying the hot water immensely) and slip into the jacuzzi. While my eyes are off in the distance, my ears are perked. What's that I hear.
No. Can't be. I live in a community where the average age is 64. No. They are not...
I go to my happy place and start kicking my feet, gotta burn some calories soon. I hear them getting out of the pool and I start to wonder the extent that they could have been fooling around. I give a friendly wave to the old man and, breaking my line of sight, appears a large white pillar. I'm sure her thigh felt my slight gasp. There was plenty of step away from where I was, but no. This freaking jacuzzi isn't one you'd see from a Jay-Z video. I'm not saying it's like a bathtub either, but this was not an ideal situation.
I calmly (but quickly) get up and ensure that my entire body is out of the hot tub before either of their... areas... submerged.
A komodo dragon bit my leg when I tried to jump over it (why would I do this?) and my leg disintegrated.
It then put its (legs? paws? arms?) on my shoulders and pushed me on my back (not entirely unlike a Lifetime movie) and I woke myself up.
[my mother loves Lifetime. It's our bonding time. I get the commercials to check scores.]