Self-involved, but with a great taste in music

Friday, April 20, 2012

Curious Case of Cuddling

Funny enough, on the drive into work I was thinking I wanted to blog today. It may or may not have had something to do with entering/checking thousands of entries on a spreadsheet pertaining to altitude meters on a to-be commercial airplane ... or I just wanted to write. Some of both but more of the former. Around this time I was cut off for the umbillionth time and inspiration came to me just like that.

This post was going to be very, very angry. So of course I'm here to talk about cuddling.

Does it start with a question?

Would you like to cuddle?

Or something that happens organically, like the crusty crud on your inner eye when you wake? A friend linked this article as I started my day:

Seven Pets & What They Say About a Guy’s Relationship Potential

And, like any normal self-obsessed sociopath, I particularly paid attention to the part that applied to me.

#3.) If He Has a Fish Tank. He might not be very open about his emotions, and might not enjoy cuddling up with things . . . including YOU. On the other hand, he might just have allergies.

Now, I'm not going to lie, there aren't many fish that would survive in my existing tank, seeing as though I turned it into a terrarium on its way to being a bamboo green house. Regardless, I had a tank and I had fish and, after reading point 3 above, was I cuddle adverse?
My spiral of doing anything to avoid opening my spreadsheet and getting to work descended into deconstruction: what is cuddling? I'm not throwing on my Marlboro hat and eating rattlesnakes trying to tough my way out of even knowing what it is -- but what type of contact equates to cuddling.
Let's figure it out.

1. The Euro
Messy hair. Ambient light of morning sifting through scattered skies. Pellets of rain rapping against the roof and windows. Black and white filter, of course.
Skin on skin contact. Amorous. At peace.

This is probably how I think I look in the AM -- when it's probably more like JJ from Good Times.

2. The Opening Act

No need to dance around it, some people like to get close at night, others prefer the morning. Us guys will take either. What we're looking at to the left is step one of a multi-tiered process which sometimes ends up with the girl getting out of bed and starting her day or, just about every other time, the guy getting kicked out of bed while muttering to himself.

3. The Vale

A warm, mellow fire. Hot cocoa on the adjacent Michael Kors ottoman (picked up not on-sale). Pajama pants. A view of the cascading rolling hills covered ear to ear with soft flakes of winter. It's more of a gangsta lean into one another than anything. Perfect for talking about 401ks, moving into the suburbs for the kids' educational sake, and how Hyundai, no matter what the reviews say, will never touch BMW and Mercedes.

4. The Exit Row

First, how excellent is that photo? I don't normally like to rip things with watermarks, but either:
a. there is a mirror on the ceiling and he's trying to check her out
b. her elbow is lodged somewhere good for her, but not for him
c. he's thinking about where he left his pants and how long it'd take to get from here to the door.

This cuddle isn't one that is meant to last. One person is uncomfortable with the position, physically or emotionally. Maybe they'll find another position or maybe one will find their keys.

5. The Juno

It's kinda quirky, kinda cute. If you saw your friends doing this in the same room as you you'd probably note you've lost a little respect for them both, but, you might concede, they do look good together.

6. The Non-Cuddle

I'd like to argue that this doesn't actually count as cuddling. Sure, it has some of the trademark elements we've seen above: togetherness, physical contact, comfort (except for homeboy in #4), and serenity.

For me he is holding her. As a man, I like that. I think it's powerful and meaningful, rather than comforting and soothing. Not saying which is more valuable, but sometimes you want to hold a woman in a way that that expresses yourself with no words at all.

So where does Mr. Fish Tank sit on all of these... to be honest, I'm not sure. I doubt I'm going to roll into happy hour today and rock something like this:

But, with the right girl, chances are we'd probably find a 7th and 8th variation that would be our little thing. I wouldn't really talk about with the fellas at the pub. And, yeah, they'd be alright with that.

And if the guy in number 4 isn't happy to be there, I can slide in there for him.


Kyla Makay said...

This just made my LIFE.
It did.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how I came across your blog, but I spent over an hour reading your posts. At first I wasn't sure if you were male or female until the wingmen post. Hilarious!

You are very talented! I would read a book if you wrote it. Your use of descriptive words flows together so perfectly. What is a cuddle? Send it to a magazine, I would love to see your male perspective in a women's magazine!!! Not sure what your occupation is, but consider being a writer.

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