Do's and Don'ts of Wingman...ery

Who are those happy people?? I have no idea who those girls are but that up there, in the middle, that's me. To be more specific, that's me well on my way to being drunk. It had the setup of one of those nights. I planned ahead. My car was already at my buddy's place. We had a number and cash for a cab. It was Friday night and we hadn't been to a clubby bar in ages.

So I met these two girls and I thought about the following rules for wingmen:

Do
Smile! You'll have more fun that way and you'll attract others that are having fun too.

Don't
Wallow over your failed project/test/relationship/shuttle launch/life.

Do
Have good vision. Genetics and environment can raise hurdles, but contacts and flood lighting should help.



Don't
Direct your friend to the easiest catch possible so you can stop being a wingman, selfish prick...

Do
Jump on that grenade. Divide and conquer - one of the oldest military strategies in existence. You gotta entertain the girlfriend to free your buddy up for some QT.

Don't
Jump on the cake. It's not your night! Or you have a wife or girlfriend, so you're not making moves anyhow. See the following for further assistance:



Do
Dennis Rodman the space. Defense is the key to a good offense. You have to box out and block the other d-bags in the water.



Don't
Get suckered into inviting said d-bags into the fray. They don't really want to buy you a shot. Fail on this one and you should be shot.

Do
Let your buddy shine. Hey, not everyone is a starter. They have a 6th man award for a reason.

Don't
Decide that it's time to dazzle the crowd with your unbelievable magic skills. ... actually, that's the perfectly lame, self-deprecating set up that we need more of.



And we're back to my night out. My buddies weren't hanging out to play wingmen, we were simply having a good time. Drinks were flowing and I was being sociable, good times. I spent a bit of time with those girls talking about things like the brilliance of the moon (no idea who they are or what their names were) and that's because a new Don't was added to my list.

Don't... (emphasis Do Not)... throw-up on (and all over) the bar.

I, (and I do mean) thankfully, was not standing between my buddy and the bar. Instead he was hunched over the bar and ... blaaaaaaaaaah... spread like a freaking bounty paper towel commercial on the bar top. After a considerable recoil (the girls screaming and running away), I grabbed him and dragged him outside. We were obviously not allowed back in. BUT I did manage to get my buddy's credit card on the way out (bringing my wingman score to a very healthy quotient.) The downside was that my card was still open (-1 for the wingmen)... and let's also throw out a +1 to american express customer service for sending me yet another card.