A few things I won't need to try to remember

This has been a very interesting year.

It's been unsettling. And at times rapturous. It's been time with close friends. It's been frantically dealing with bills and difficult decisions.

But one of the things that I'll take away from this year is the growth I've seen from so many people around me. People of different ages, different walks of life... so many people have seemed to "get it" this year.

Whether is be walking away from a bad situation.
Or getting yourself into a good situation.
Or hanging in there when the worst fears are realized.
Or letting yourself try something new.
Or not being unnerved by massive change.

I won't get too existential right now, but my theory on the meaning of life has to do with differences and challenges. That something placed the ingredients that ultimately produced us, insects, micro-organisms, meteors in the same universe and we're all supposed to mix somehow. That coexistence would be realized and balance formed. And the relationships we have with one another are an example of this effort to relate with others that have a different view and outlook than our own.

I'll look back at 2010 as a year where many relationships were established and some very rewarding bonds were cultivated further.

But how about some of the more tangible, memorable things of 2010?


Top 5 Movies

... Okay, not a great year for movies. These two get an honorable mention...

Comedy: She's out of my league
Horror: Paranormal Activity 2

But these are the only two that deserve to be ranked:
2. (500) Days of Summer* (not 2010, I know. But was viewed then)
1. Inception (best movie I've seen in more than a decade)


Books:
5. The Hunger Games (I did like it!)
4. The Road - I'm surprised by it's acclaim. The tone and mood is consistent throughout. So are the characters. Usually books/movies without character development don't fare too well, but this bucks the trend a little. I'm glad to have read it but I don't know it's something that I'll revisit again.
3. Number 9 Dream
2. Dance, Dance, Dance
1. Heaven's Net is Wide - I don't know if I have a writing style when I actually write a story, but if I do it's most akin to Hearn. While I loathe my writing often times I can't get enough of Hearn. Heaven's Net is Wide is a prequel to the Tales of the Otori books. I'm only about 100 pages in but it's already wonderful and I'll finish it before next week. It's a hybrid between young adult, japanese historical fiction, fantasy, and with a little romance. This is my favorite series.

Cloud Atlas has a good shot to dominate this list, but we'll see if I get through that before the year ends. I need to find it first...!

And in the coming days I'll pull together the 2010 mix cd with tracks that I discovered or that were shown to me in 2010.


I'm looking forward to sitting by a fire with some hot cocoa with a touch of Baileys... ahh... I adore this time of year.

Did you know...

That Better Homes and Gardens is the 3rd most distributed magazine in the United States?
(congrats Cole!

=)

Did you know that I'm extremely bored at work today?

What in us helps us procrastinate? Laziness and fear come to mind.

I'll discuss two examples from today.

8am meeting. Why? Why do you exist? Who likes you? The organizer likely dislikes you the least, therefore is okay with setting such an obscene time. Because 8am doesn't mean get up at 8. And it doesn't mean go to sleep at the normal time, as I set my redundant upon redundant alarms. And it doesn't mean restful sleep until 7am, it's panicked waking and grabbing my phone to check the time.

So 6:55am - alarm one (okay, I set you as a primer to the 7am wake up. Let me enjoy the last 5 minutes of warmth)

stare at my phone with dead eyes until 6:58. (i'm sure i can milk this lying in bed thing to at least 7:05)

7:00am - alarm two and three (yep, I can DEFINITELY milk this to 7:05. Nod off and start dreaming about pouring milk on people's heads at the bus stop. I laugh. I start to feel cold and envision myself warming milk in the microwave and pouring some on people while keeping some in my cup to warm my hands)

7:14am - No alarm. (CRAP. I need a new alarm. I don't need an alarm that actually trusts me when I say "I'm up." I need the Lifetime-movie-of-the-week-husband alarm clock that swears I'm unfaithful. I would love an alarm that would give me the traffic and weather. That'd be nice. And if it played mp3s. I bet I know what I'd put on there... I'd start with some Bon Iv...

7:22am - .... (WTF!! I fell asleep again?!?!?!?!)
Get up and shower. Drew a hot shower today. Felt real good. I just stood there and visualized my path into work. What roads to avoid. Mentally shaving off key seconds on the commute. I thanked the Gods that I had put fuel into the car yesterday. But I do need to schedule an oil change. It'd be really nice if...

7:35am - (DAYDREAMING?!?! About tasks???) Running out the door and driving like a mad banshee down Glendale Ave (and we've hit cram time. the panic gets my blood going and I'm focused and alert. I know that any slacking or dragging on the drive will make me late. In the back of my mind an idea crystallizes... why do I do this to myself?)


And here I am. Example two. Busy at work. Chatting away in the blog. Delaying my work flurry until the end of the day. Why? I think it's because I need that fear and excitement to really apply myself. It'd be too exhausting to sprint all the time, so a little jaunt until the last 100 meters and then a mad/freakish dash to the finish.

I used to turn my clocks forward blindly so I wouldn't know how off they were. But of course the mind is a lazy jerk and it was only a matter of time before it deciphered that the alarm clock was ahead by X, the microwave clock was ahead by Y, and the car clock was off by Z.

So my never-ending path to maturity has revealed the next step, a mastery of the timing of my own effort. I'll let you know how it goes... ... sometime.

The need to not need

I hate needing anything. Other than the basic necessities (food, water, oxygen, oxygen network) I don't really enjoy having something that governs me. What am I talking about?


Talking about that. Coffee.

While I don't like things that can become a dependency, I do have a particular contempt for coffee. Here are a few reasons:

1. I've seen countless studies that speak to the health benefits of coffee. Someone point me to where it says it's good for your teeth??

[irony - coming from the guy with a history of broken teeth. Cest 'la vie]

2. Other people's addictions. Having a Starbucks or whatever every 100 yards means that entering Target or the mall has someone in my ear talking about how they NEED their coffee to continue to accomplish their consumerish goals.

3. Coffee breath.













4. "Let's grab a cup of coffee" used to be a cute line, for love interests or friends looking to catch up. Now it's like two crack fiends looking to get their fix by sharing needles.

5. Peeing. I enjoy pissing as much as the next person, but every hour or so is annoying. It's annoying for me when I have to and it's annoying for me when other people constantly have to get up and sit down throughout the day. There was actually a queue at the urinal at work. The urinal at the ballgame, fine. You can chat about the dropped pass or something till it's time to do your thing. You'll never see them again. Or at a club you can talk about the girl with the 19-inch heels outside of the bathroom. All in good fun. But I'm not going to talk about work or something with Todd from accounting.

"Do you have your TPS reports for me?"
"Was I supposed to turn one in? I don't remember an email."
"Well, I mentioned it the other day."
"Really? When?"
"We were in the bathroom."
"..."
"Together."
"... (awkward)... I had a lot of coffee that day. I'm trying to remember what instance..."
"I think you were humming Boombastic by Shaggy."
"That's riiiight."



So I give up.

I have another dense technical schematic plan to read and it's either reach for a noose or Folgers choice. Congratulations universe. Being an engineer AND caving to coffee. Time to wave it =>





I'll stop here because I need to go pee again. Seriously.

Archive Song List #22

The Helio Sequence
Lately

Nashville Skyline
Carry you home

The Cure
Edge of the deep green sea

It's here

Isn't it great to be stimulated? To feel invigorated. Your eyes are a little wider and you feel totally aware of your surroundings.

A multitude of things can engender this feeling - a beer, a kiss, a cup of coffee (I prefer green tea), a cool breeze, an unexpected surprise...

Changes... they normally don't have this same effect. Typically I'll be nervous, methodical, uneasy.

But, as with seemingly so many things, there is a choice regarding how you handle the things that are happening in your life. You can fret over the lack of control that you have. The intimidation of trying something new... or you can embrace the ambiguity of it all and know that no matter how you mess it up, you'll have a chance to fix things or move on at a later date.


I've been drowning trying to figure out which amount of cubic feet within a fridge best represents me as an individual.

Oh how my college self would hate me now.


I've decided that today and tomorrow and...

is about acceptance. About energy. And optimism.


As I move into my new house, as I start my new career, as I figure out a new relationship, it's time to accept that some things in life are simply an adventure. That you can't plan for everything... and sometimes the plans you do make will completely fall apart. That the reckless part of your youth, when you pushed to button just to see what happens... that sometimes isn't the worse course of action. It's better than being paralyzed by analysis and doing nothing.



And if it's a mess...

a disaster...

and leads to utter mayhem...


you can clean it up later.

Archive Song List #21

Counting Crows
Round Here (piano)

Jimmy Eat World
For Me This is Heaven

Afterhours
Sparkle


I'm still mentally occupied, sadly... but hopefully there will be a celebratory post on here pretty soon.

I am allegedly close to closing on a home. I have a new found respect for all homeowners because the process is soul-crushing and mind-pillaging.

I can't really express how excited I am to have this chapter of my life closed. It's not with anger really, it's just that I'm ready for what's next.



A quote I heard recently that resonated with me:

Tough times don't last, tough people do.

Archive Song List #20

Phantom Planet
California

Sufjan Stevens
For the Widows in Paradise...

Mae
Skyline Drive







(San Pedro, CA -- Wanna go back with me??)


You know how in movies, like the Goonies, the kid or kids run away from home and when they return at the end of the movie the parents aren't mad? They are just happy to have their pride and joy back?

Yeah.

Try to channel some of that as I apologize for my hiatus... been gone too long!


So, the question is probably what happened...

In no particular order...

• went to cali
• interviewed for a job
• offered a job
• closing on a home
• met a girl
• saw the ocean
• got really drunk

Right now I'm buried at my current job which will potentially become my former job. It's a weird feeling to leave a job in that it's so similar to a relationship. I feel bored. And uninspired. I enjoy aspects of it, but I'm not reaching my potential. It's comfortable, certainly easier than getting out there again, but I know what the right move is.

What's scarier is that I'd be leaving my profession and career for something almost entirely new. ... I guess that's like breaking up and deciding on playing for the other team??



Still, I haven't made a final decision. Life has been one dependency upon another recently... can't buy X until the home closes. Can't accept a new job before the home closes. (apparently, no, just the home is owning me)

The one thing that would help everything move along? Time.


And what's a great way to pass time? Drinking. Ha ha.


I'm going to have a beer and make some decisions. Here are some tunes that'll help usher me along...

Image of the day

Cali was awesome! Will need a few days to recover (amazingly did not get drunk) and blog about it.


:)

Archive Song List 19 + Image of the day

I'm not sure when life is going to slow down, but when it does, I'll write a little more. But until then, enjoy a cat wrestling godzilla....

Death Cab for Cutie
Photobooth

Save Ferris
Let me in

Kings of Convenience
I don't know what I can save you from

Image of the day

Image is called:

"Do you think we can make it?"

In breaking news...

You are an uber tool, Mr./Mrs. I choose to smoke in my car, but apparently my ashtray can't be bothered with the task of properly disposing the remains.

And it's not like we're talking about you putting out your cigarette and then tossing it out the window.

'Cause I guess you could extinguish it in the ashtray and then throw it out? Or you could put it out on your forearm like a true stud.


Nope. Instead you'll sneak it out the top of your window and shove it into traffic behind you -- still lit. Like a beacon lit to let everyone know what a smoker-joker (sorry) you are. Do you realize that EVERYONE around you at that moment hates you?



What are you doing, leaving traps like that... ?

What do you think this is??






And a little something to tie it all together...

Archive Song List 18

Stars
Your Ex-lover is Dead

Lydia
It's in your Blood

American Football
The Summer Ends

Image of the day + I'm back! + Winners

Cynical picture. Notice the gold coin amounts...


So that lull I was noticing last week took my out of my little blog world for a few days, but I do feel better. Next time I'm going to need a guest blogger to help me out.


I've been listening to a ton of music and trying to steal time to read. Cole has me hooked to The Hunger Games and Catching Fire.

REALLY good reads. I furtively crept into a bar on Sunday and ordered a beer so I could get some time alone.




I need more ME time. What do you do with your me time?


I feel tremendously guilty when I hide out, but when I do get away chances are I'm by a body of water. On Saturday I stopped the car by a small lake and sat in the grass looking at the partially overcast sky reflected upon the water's surface and I finally relaxed. It felt like I hadn't truly exhaled for weeks.

I broke out the Zune and found a song I've been jamming out to and just four scant minutes later, I was right as rain.

The idiom "Right as Rain" doesn't have an agreed upon genesis. Rather, it's assumed that it is just a play on words using alliteration. However, I prefer to subscribe to the notion of mathematics and trigonometry. Right angles are 90 degree angles. If a rain drop fell at a 90 degree angle the drop would fall straight down. So "right as rain" could be thought of as straight, pure, without imperfection.


So I implore you, take a little ME time this week. Get away from everyone or, whatever, do the opposite and get everyone you know together. But remember that not only are we obligated to look out for our own happiness but we're the ones accountable to make our days more meaningful and worthwhile. I think this may be more effective than the ice cream sandwiches I suggested last week (but nowhere near as delish.)

So thank you Great Lake Swimmers, Cole, and thus Suzanne Collins for helping me stop rushing from point a to point b and to re-center myself again.


(Oh, and everyone who posted in that CD giveaway will be receiving a CD from me someway, somehow. I'm making a custom CD for each of you, so look for that next week!)

The Lull - Skirmish One

When I'm having a bad day one of the slivers of optimism that I try to hold onto is: it's days like this that help you fully appreciate the great days.

So what about the ____ days?

The days that have no particular significance one way or another. One could make an argument that these days are in-fact worse than bad days. At least bad days can stay with you, perhaps teach you something. They aren't so easily brushed aside like cookie crumbs on the counter.

The sad thing is that I was purposeful when constructing my life and schedule, going to great lengths to populate my weeks and months with these types of days. When I'm in a routine and I wake up at a certain time and I pay my bills and I eat right and I make it to the gym and I get good sleep. Not my nature!! I was warned by a friend that there is nothing more empowering and debilitating than a routine.

Well said, friend. Well said.

So I think I'm going to declare war on the days that just wash away into nothingness. How can you do this? Well, we're going to find out together.

I started by...



making this breakfast.














playing this (and everything) loud.












Setting up a reading date with my adoring niece, who I'll put to sleep and then hit my favorite coffee shop to get some reading of my own in.











sniffing this. (lemon is invigorating and I need 3 things in life... food, water, lotion)













Will it work? Any other ideas on how to assail one's senses to get them out of a lull?



If all else fails maybe I'll just go see Inception... again.

Archive Song List 17

I'd hire him.

Bon Iver
Blood Bank

Nick Drake
Pink Moon

The Honorary Title
Frame by frame

Tosh.0 clip

I spit out my water watching this last night.

Tosh.0
Kid Car Breakdown
www.comedycentral.com
Tosh.0 Videos Daniel Tosh Web Redemption

PSA - See Inception

Was able to learn another lesson about expectations... it's always good to manage your expectations but when something is true, no amount of hope or hype can diminish it.

Vegas -> Blah...
did not make the cut

Inception -> Yeah!!
incredible




I highly recommend everyone checking it out. It's definitely slotting into my top five.

Archive Song List 16

Bon Iver
The Park
(cover of the Feist track as astutely noted by molly YEH)

West Indian Girl
Green

Placebo
Sleeping with Ghosts

Glipse into the eye of idiocy

I use idiocy quite a bit when I talk about my own thoughts. While I don't really lack intelligence, it's the dwelling on the same thoughts and over-thinking that causes me to mock myself.

Even if you don't know me really well you'd be amused to hear my internal monologue when I walk around my dark living room about to leave for work. It's like the first (and terrible) draft of Rainman.

Do you have your keys?
Yes.

Are you sure??
YES.

Can you feel for them in your pocket?
Alright. Yes, they are there.

Because you know that you can't lock your door without your keys.
That's correct.

And even if you felt secure that no one would steal your stuff, you wouldn't be able to drive anywhere.
Right.

And you need to drive to work.
Right.

I guess you could take a bus, but you don't know the bus routes around here.
...

Maybe we should look into the bus routes around here?
...

If you start taking the bus you'll need to charge your Zune more often. Do you have your Zune?
Yes.

Can you feel for it in your pocket????



No joke.

Watch me when I'm leaving a place and watch me look down with a confused look and pat my pockets.

Feel free to point out when I do this in other situations because I can't even tell when my crazy gets out of the box anymore.

So occasionally I'll get into my car and head out to work and I'll remember that I don't have my laptop bag. Stellar that I'll remember the crap out of my keys and I'll visualize a future 2000 steps into the future along a path that I'll never take and I'll forget the most obvious thing. That's my idiocy.


But it's part of my charm so I don't mind it.

#100 and a giveaway

This is the official blog post #100! Why official? Apparently I have 13 posts that fall into the following categories:

#1 - Didn't finish
#2 - Were too personal
#3 - Was REAL drunk and rambled/ranted

While I can't promise that I'll go back and publish these mishaps, perhaps I'll look into these and at least see where the distribution lies.



I'm guessing at least eight are of the #3 variety.

:)




So my bud Cole is the sole reason I actually took the plunge into blogging and for her efforts I'm going to steal an idea from her: a giveaway!

Seemed like a great idea and then two potential issues cropped up:
A. you, whoever you may be, will probably be competing with yourself over the prize (I can live with this)
B. what do I have to giveaway that someone could want??

I still don't know that I solved B, but...

Up for grabs: A Bu mix CD

(I know you're already REAL excited [end sarcasm], but let me continue)
I have phenomenal taste in music and while some may disagree, those people are terribly and horribly mistaken. But why not judge for yourself?

How to play:
Honesty has been a recurring theme on my blog and I think it's fitting to pay it tribute here.

To win the best cd ever burned by Bu (ahem, by anyone??) all you have to do is tell someone (anyone) something (anything) that you've been meaning to tell them but haven't.
*edit after Cole's input* Or something you COULD tell someone but you haven't... doesn't need to be something you are harboring!

Reply in the comments with as much detail or vagueness about what you wanted to say and why you didn't say it earlier and maybe even how it turned out.



I'll spend the next week thinking up some amazing playlists, so you have some time to finish your homework.




I'll pick a winner (winners maybe, if there are more than one players :P) on next Friday.



Live with complete and utter sincerity

Archive Song List 15

The Decemberists
O Valencia (love, love this song)

Bon Iver & St. Vincent
Rosalyn

Lykke Li
Possibility

The last two are from Twilight - New Moon. Hoping the next Twilight has a better soundtrack than Eclipse! (but the movie was actually pretty good, which was really surprising -- so it all evens out)

And we're back...

Where did you go? We were having a good time, weren't we? I thought we were. We laughed and drank. We relaxed and saw treasured faces. We met new people and heard funny stories. But weekend, you left me again, didn't you?

However, you DID drop me off to a Tuesday, which is considerably better than the typical Monday departure. And as they say we'll always have Paris...

Friday
Work. But It was beautiful outside. I had to escape.


(view from my cube)


Sneaking out of work early... this is an art. The battleground is littered with mines in the form of urgent emails and envious colleagues.

The key is to send a flurry of emails (and time delayed emails) right before your departure.

If someone tries to talk to you on your way out (they will) try: "I'm working on the [inaudible muddled name] thing for [insert the name of THEIR boss]"


Done-zo.


Buffalo Wild Wings to meet up with friends and reunite with beer. Gave it up for awhile. Felt good.

Which leads to meeting some guys. Which leads to talking sports. Which leads to talking crap about sports. Which of course leads to boring the bajingo out of any females in the area. Which engendered competition.

Which leads to Big Buck Safari.

Which leads to...





Bu holding it down.

That score and this picture are about to be flaunted all over facebook.






Saturday
Owwwww...

Soccer:
Watched Germany trounce Argentina (boo!)
then Spain eliminated Paraguay (hooray!)

Helped my brother move for a few hours and then I got a call from my childhood friend






that I hadn't seen for 14-16 YEARS and he was in town for the weekend.




SundayHappy 4th everyone!!! Hope you had a super holiday.




Mine started off by going with a friend to buy this:




Which now looks like...




This.

We go to buy the car and the guy wants to take it for one last spin. We hop in.

He's driving pretty aggressively but we're only going around the block, let the guy have a little fun before he gives up the sports car. Sure. What's the worst that could happen?

So he leaves his neighborhood and heads out to Papago, where the Phoenix Zoo is located. He hits about 60 on a round-about and says (I quote because this is about the best thing that's happened to me this year): "The beaut about this car is that it'll just eat up corners. You hit a corner and it just wants more and more."

He slows down and u-turns and we come to the same round-about that he just made that comment. He takes too aggressive of a line and loses the ass of the car and we fishtail into another lane. He corrects the line but doesn't lay off the gas. Since the wheels won't catch he thinks he hasn't corrected enough and oversteers. We then slide perpendicular to the road until the tires finally catch and we launch over the curb, over/through a boulder and into a tree.

If a crash is going to happen, this was about perfect. No one was seriously hurt, it wasn't my car or my buddies car (yet), and... well... it was pretty fun.

Rest of the weekend was kinda a blur, but from what I can piece together in sequential order:
- got to play with Kinect, the new microsoft product
- saw Quantum of Solace at my buddy's place while he looked for a new car...
- stopped by Sky's birthday party and saw some good people
- lay on Z's couch for about 8 hours watching The Descent 2, Adventureland (LOVE THIS), and Jaws 2 and 3 and ate a TON of carne asada with cream cheese filled brownies...

On second thought, weekend... I don't think it's working out. I do need a little space. Maybe just a little time?

So good.

I don't think you need to be too techy to appreciate the brilliance of this:

Happiness (counts as the image of the day)

Enough said.

Renewal

New month. New look. New motivation.

We are officially at the mid-way point of 2010.

How'd it feel?
Go by in a blur? Inching along like a drip bag? Probably a bit of both.


Over the next couple of days I'm gonna create or rehash some goals for this year and (insert preemptive regret) post them here for the world (about 7 of you fine people) to see. Guilt and fear of disappointing others are wonderful motivators!

Here are some categories for goals that I'm considering:

• Health
• Leisure
• Travel/Exploration
• Reading
• Community
• Meditation
• Bluntness
• Diet
• Organization

And on a related note, here is a section as requested by a friend:
Negative calorie foods.










Let's start with the bad news.


Kinda took the wind out of my sails for this post.









However... health science is a continually evolving discipline.

While these foods may not be proven as negative calorie by definition (the energy of digesting these foods burns more calories than the foods themselves contain) eating a smattering of these over the course of a few weeks is sure to do a body good.

Image of the Day + extra

I disagree with the caption.

Not a House fan and I'm still (and will always be) a HUGE Jen fan.


Brad is a freaking fool.










Cole-train tagged me (plus 300 or so people) on her blog and hit us off with the following questions:

1. Name 5 songs on your mixed cd from high school.

Ha ha. I was totally into the R&B scene back then. And a little harder rock.

R. Kelly - Half on a Baby
Shai - Together Forever
Deftones - Be Quiet and Drive
DMX - The Convo
Jesse Powell - You

Freaking embarrassing. Except for Deftones, they are still legit. (and that Shai song is still good... shhhhhh) Great question!!

2. What is your favorite board game of all time?

Umm... does chess count? If not I think Scattagories has shot up the charts. I could never get my parents to buy me MouseTrap, I think I would have really enjoyed that. I got it for my niece and guess who is going to play that with her when she finally opens it?? Guilty!

3. What is the strangest thing you have ever done with your hair?

The music thing isn't embarrassing enough, eh? Alright, for a very brief period in high school I had short hair but really long bangs. And I'd either let them hang or slick it back. ... You don't have to know me to know that it wasn't good. I remember talking to my ex-girlfriend during the summer while she was away on vacation and telling her that I cut my hair and made it all even. She asked if we could get back together. ...

Thank God high school is over. Freak...

Thanks Cole for having me dredge up those memories. For that I made a gift for you:






Hope you enjoy Eclipse tonight!!

Unrequited love

You'll have to excuse me for such a personal post. There's hardly anything more agonizing and poetic than unredeemed love. When you desires go unfulfilled and your hopes and expectations lay listless on the ground like wilted petals.


When you think of them and you can swear you can catch a familiar scent in the air.

When you let your eyes fall shut you swear that you can nearly taste a lingering of them in your mouth.






Oh, twenty piece Chicken Nuggets, you dirty little tease, how I've longed for you...


I've been craving these delicious little morsels for about three weeks and I've done pretty well to avoid temptation... that was until this past weekend.








I was hanging out with my niece and Ice Age was on TV for the 2392834th time and we of course HAD to watch it. She'd keep falling asleep against me and when I'd move my arm to change the channel she'll sit up for a second and shake her head no and then slowly slouch back against my arm.

Hard for a person to be less than ten years old and have a vintage move, but she manages this and that's hers.

At some point I fall asleep and when I open my eyes next my gaze falls upon two plates that had been set near us. What must have been my plate was marked with some Taco Bell, which I could tell because her plate sported some TBell and... (drool) Chicken Nuggets. I rub my eyes to make sure I'm not hallucinating. My family never gets fast food and if we did we surely wouldn't go to two places for one meal, right?? I find myself trying to convince myself that her plate is the Fresco menu one and mine is the Heaven with Tacos on the side. She snuggles against me, still sleeping. Peaceful. Beautiful. Oblivious.

My body started working on its own. I opened the Sweet and Sour sauce with one hand (left at that!) as it made that sweet vsshh sound. Did she wake up?!? I looked under my right arm in horror to check... Nothing. I breathe easy and pick up a nugget. I still try to reconcile the guilt... there are TEN nuggets. There is absolutely NO CHANCE she eats more than six. With tacos as well? Probably won't even get through 3. I'd be doing her a favor...

I dip and I have a huge smile on my face. If I'm going to hate myself later, I'm going to love life and all its small blessings right now.

Are you feeding me?
[look down with wild eyes] What?
Nuggets!?! (quiet, but sleepily excited. She shuts her eyes again.)
[if I don't move she'll fall back asleep]
....
They smell goooood.
Open.

3 Nuggets consumed right in front of me. By my hands!! She nods off again.

(very quietly) Here you go, Ishu!
[sleep kiddo]
Wake up! Here's one more!
[SLEEP!!]
If you don't eat this one, I will.
[You have NO idea]
She opens her mouth.
...
[It's a yawn!!]

I look to the side and stuff the nugget in my mouth thinking Don't look at me! I sit back and watch the squirrel wrestle for the acorn on the TV and I feel sedated. The guilt was worth it. I wake her up and feed her the rest of her food. She stops after nugget 7.

[her 7 + my 1 = 8... TWO LEFT!?!]
Hey kiddo, can you finish?
No, I don't want any more. Do you want it?
[already chewing] Um, sure.

I hold the last one in my hand. This is the one I've been waiting for. No Guilt. No Rush. All the time in the world and I'm going to savor every last moment. I give it my bedroom eyes as I dunk it in the sauce. My mom walks in, "oh, can I have one?" I look at her. And then the nugget. Then her. I nod and look down as I hold it out for her and she takes it with happy teeth.

Archive Song List 14

Neon Trees
Animal

Bush
Glyscerine

Pixies
Here Comes Your Man


My current wallpaper:
I hate that I love this photo of the oil spill.




And this week's songs were specifically selected to get my bud excited for tomorrow night. =)

Image of the day + Weekend Recap

Well, that right there is the image of the day.



So looks like we're onto the weekend recap. When you get a weekend recap on Tuesday it was either a really good weekend or really bad weekend. Or a weekend with really good parts and really bad parts.


The last one applies here.


Some of you may have noticed that I was pretty amped for the weekend. Soccer + Friends + Drinks + Game night + Golf.

Well, let's simplify: number 3 on that list eliminated 5 from that list. =)





Friday
Game night. Legit. Such a good time and it's amazing what being around solid individuals can do for your spirit. You don't need to be doing something amazing to enjoy yourself fully... but it does help when you're drinking and playing Scattagories. Such a fun night and even capped it off with some hilarious Friends episodes.






Saturday
Woke up early and headed over to my buddy's place. We had a plan in-place to work out and then enjoy the day of drinking, soccer, and bar games. When I got there it turned into skipping the workout and having breakfast at a dive bar (this bar is amazing -- basically Planet Hollywood on heroin-- almost pitch-black all day long, terrible 80s movies posters everywhere, foul-mouthed staff... just perfect. Ordered the 'Indigo Montoya' omelet with a bloody mary and screwdriver as we watched Young Guns 2 on the projector. Stellar. Then we made our way to the sports bar.

So now the bad parts of the weekend. US lost, as most of us should know. Suck. After that some guy across the bar started spouting off about "my" country receiving aid and how I should just be grateful to be visiting "his" country. It didn't even escalate verbally from there.



(I'd like to believe that most people know I'm a nice guy. I'm also pretty laid back. The thing about that is that we all have aspects of our self. We all have personas that we wear as masks depending on the situation and audience. Sometimes it's just a dash of cayenne, some added flavor, like when you're disciplining a child and you need to be a little stern, but you're still you. ... And then there's the other kind, the kind where people who know you wouldn't recognize you at all.)

I essentially snapped.







Thankfully there were enough friends, patrons, and bouncer (only one, I'm not that strong, haha) to restrain and prevent me from getting involved in something about as idiotic as his comments. Displeased with myself. It's freaking Arizona. I run into these tools on a semi-regular basis... no excuse not to handle this better.



Sunday
Lost.

I mean a lot of Lost.

Over ten episodes. I was upset with myself for losing my temper so I placed myself in the penalty box and didn't let myself leave my room. It was actually pretty awesome.