I'm going to do a scattershot approach here because there is too much to cover:
Our IT guy at work is pretty interesting. That's a nice way to say flipping out of his gourd. He's one of those special individuals that either does or doesn't care to pick up on exit cues from conversations. You know.
Here are some pretty effective ones:
"Well..........." "I just remembered I have to...."
"I'm going to set myself on fire if you don't stop talking right now..."
No deals. All useless and utterly ineffective against him.
While he can rattle on and on I didn't think to stop him during his last rant. One of his closest friends was killed in Afghanistan, not in combat, but in a car accident. Apparently a married couple was arguing and the guy was speeding quite a bit. Collided with his buddy's car and we know the rest. Of course it was his last tour of duty and he had just met the girl he wanted to settle down with before his last deployment. It's weird how life works some times. I almost always try to find the greater meaning or the silver lining in things, but this one I just file away as a horrible event.
At the gym you're going to run into some weird occurrences from time to time. Some people don't smell great. Sometimes a machine will not be wiped down correctly. Sometimes the barbells are in the wrong slots so the weights don't match with the numbers on the rack (hate that). Part of this is the locker room.
You're going to get some splash damage, let's just get that out there. I'm not homophobic, but about nothing ruins my day quite like seeing a naked guy.
I think the foreshadowing is complete.
So I walk into the guy's bathroom and BAM. Right. There. There is a locker area in the back of the restroom WITH ITS OWN DOOR, but it's wide open and the guy is standing there facing me like I'M the one doing some weird ish.
So I casually look to the side and enter the locker room and start changing. My back is towards him but I can kinda tell that he is not moving. He's still facing me and the door area, stark naked I'm assuming. I feel a little weird changing in front of a naked dude behind me, I nearly fall over trying to get out of my jeans super fast, and a few seconds later I'm ready to go. As I'm leaving I hear:
"Do you know how to work these lockers?"
I stop in the doorway, back facing him. I look up to the ceiling.
"No, they are all broken."
"Are you sure? My stuff is in there."
Sigh. Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down. Turn.
"Is all your stuff locked in there?" [if not, put some f'ing clothes on]
"No, my other stuff is down there."
Down wher... oh... F--K me.
You got me again, you clever bastard. Turn to leave.
"No one steals anything here. You're good."
Idiocy (on my part):
I love Fresh and (Sl)Easy. Zip in, zip out and I'm good to go. No lines, no hassle. So I'm picking up a few things after work, nothing too exciting: yogurt, turkey patties, pita bread, wheat bread, hummus and I head to the check out. I'm starving (don't grocery shop when hungry, mistake 1) and I see some cookies. I grab the bag (2) and check out.
There's some traffic on the road and I open the bag of cookies and have one (3) while waiting behind a hummer [love scottsdale]. Soon enough I'm home and I start making dinner. The grill is taking forever and I have another cookie (4). I have a turkey burger and for desert, why not, another cookie (5).
I'm still hungry, so I assume that I'm dehydrated. Plus it's a good idea to drink water to flush out fat from the system. I grab the cookie bag to put it back in the kitchen but I start chugging my water first. I hold the bag up and see this:
Serving size = 1 cookie.
I pause the Laker game and get my swim gear together. Head to the community pool and as I approach I see two people oddly close in the pool.
I'm a romantic. Always have been and as much as I suppress it, it'll always be there to some extent. I don't have a problem with PDA. If some people want to express themselves in public, go for it. Within reason.
So I approach the pool area and I figure I'll just cool out in the hot tub with my back towards them and see if they exit the pool. I rinse up (enjoying the hot water immensely) and slip into the jacuzzi. While my eyes are off in the distance, my ears are perked. What's that I hear.
No. Can't be. I live in a community where the average age is 64. No. They are not...
I go to my happy place and start kicking my feet, gotta burn some calories soon. I hear them getting out of the pool and I start to wonder the extent that they could have been fooling around. I give a friendly wave to the old man and, breaking my line of sight, appears a large white pillar. I'm sure her thigh felt my slight gasp. There was plenty of step away from where I was, but no. This freaking jacuzzi isn't one you'd see from a Jay-Z video. I'm not saying it's like a bathtub either, but this was not an ideal situation.
I calmly (but quickly) get up and ensure that my entire body is out of the hot tub before either of their... areas... submerged.
A komodo dragon bit my leg when I tried to jump over it (why would I do this?) and my leg disintegrated.
It then put its (legs? paws? arms?) on my shoulders and pushed me on my back (not entirely unlike a Lifetime movie) and I woke myself up.
[my mother loves Lifetime. It's our bonding time. I get the commercials to check scores.]